willingness to sacrifice / endgame

squirrel roast
the roadkill squirrel, ready for stewing
yesterday i put a piece of a dead squirrel's rib bone into my eyebrow. it took the place of a lovely snake-shaped piece of hypoallergenic metal that was created somewhere else, by a stranger. my friend killed the squirrel by mistake with her truck, and we went back for the body. we ate it, tanned the hide, used the bones. like many humans, i want my existence to have meaning. and i want to choose that meaning. the bit of squirrel bone in my face means that i respect that ignoble death and honor what it left behind.

sittin in the truck. lookin like a human.
looking too normal
i refuse to allow others to choose what my life means. and i want my appearances to match reality. i wanted it when i was growing up abused and everyone thought i looked just fine. i wanted it when i realized that human culture had gone to shit and i should have been walking around in tatters. and i want it now, when i have spent the last seven years of my life very consciously choosing my path and in too many ways i still look like a somewhat average human.

wattle and cob infill
wall made of local willow, clay, grasses
i live in a mud hut. it has a metal roof and some metal on the walls, which i dislike, but most of the walls, floor, and roof covering is clay, soil, grasses, willow.

i harvest rainwater for drinking/cooking/laundry/livestock into salvaged plastic barrels and did not succumb to the desire to figure out plumbing so i could purchase an overpriced and sophisticated looking sink and faucet ensemble.

freshly plastered rocket stove
freshly made rocket stove. got a grill-like top shortly after
a large portion of the food i eat is grown on my land, including the animal products, and for some of the year i cook that food over tiny woodstoves, made either from recycled cans and clay, or scrap metal.

the clothes i wear, with very few exceptions, have been worn for nearly a decade, or came from thrift stores or other folks' giveaways. i have disavowed most of the products that others consider 'necessary' - deodorant, shampoo, toilet paper, toothpaste, paper towels, glass cleaner, modern medication...

the list goes on. and so, in large part, my life is vastly more simple and direct (in terms of consumption of resources) than most in 'developed' countries.

creepy skinned rabbit face
processing mink-killed rabbit. rabbit skulls look crazy
it is not enough. i still use so much plastic, even salvaged. i still look so normal. i want it to show. i want my reality to wake people up out of their stupor. i want my appearance to back up my reality of respect for everything else that shares this world with us. i want my very presence to make the meaning of my life clear - that i am a human, as we were meant to be. that i live ensconced in the world, not in a technology-ridden escapist nightmare. that i am an animal who understands what overshoot looks like for my friends and family, that i am willing to sacrifice. that i am responsible to the communities i impact in gathering my needs, and that i respond with attentiveness, respect, awe, gratitude, and a willingness to sacrifice. to defend.

i want my existence to be an act of deference to the world and a challenge to other humans.

wolf gatekeeper
ritual prep, wearing skins and bones. i should look like this way more often.
in short, i want to be the best animal i can be. and i still look way too civilized for that. this year i will practice ritual sacrifice in a more focused manner. i will uncover and divest myself of even more of the trappings of civilization, going both for visual impact (to help bolster my sense of appearance reflecting reality) and for ecological impact. i'll seek to remove from my life the objects or habits that represent the strongest negative impact on anyone else's landbase and replace them with acceptable alternatives or let go of them completely.

i've been learning for years now to talk the talk - my generation is great at that. especially when it involves 'i want...' slowly, now, these past few years, i've been walking the walk. now is the time to run.

to the squirrel bone in my face: you are the humble beginning of my endgame.


yo-na said…
wa-do tla-da-tsi......I am very proud to be a part of this......