so far to go

journal excerpt:

i hesitate even to begin writing my thoughts for the knowledge of how long it would require to relate them. i haven't written for a month. i am, of course, behind on the million things i want to happen on my homestead, mostly due to emotional lethargy from mardock leaving and another partner being over nearly every night since.

i would like to keep canning produce bought with food stamps - even meat - to shore up against not receiving them in the future. i want my gardens next year to be abundant. the goat shack would be catching all their water needs if i had a gutter and barrel set up.

i want the garlic to magically get planted and the flower bulbs. i want a clean home. i want shelves. and a stove. and space. and no mice. and the ducks to be flightless so the cats can live outdoors and i can feed them outside and francis to sleep on the floor and the roof to be insulated and the stove to be clean and not to work on things just to make money. it's time to wean the kids, which means more tethering and twice daily milking. i only hope i didn't ruin their production by not sticking to a milking schedule. i'm going to try to pay a neighbor a gallon a week for chiropractic work, which is HALF my milk right now Before i sell any to my other steady customer... and i still owe several hundred on my loan by the end of the year.

i feel like my life is in shambles... having been in four various shelters since spring, all with their faults, all my spaces are strewn with documents, materials, clothes, trash... all things to be dealt with. i relish a warm and serene winter wherein all my things are organized and dealt with.

i want my resource yard to be organized. i want the dead chickens to be dealt with.

still i look at what i have accomplished and am amazed. yet so far to go.

today was supposed to be a day of rest. but i can't. when i lie around i feel overwhelmed and disgusted with my home. so i moved the cabinet back inside to the north wall and put the stove on it. stocked it with all my canned foods. fixed the cushioned chair, planted the garlic, put a simple latch on the window to keep kittens out, cleaned the stove (a monumental task), and hung the mirror.

i don't know if i want to go to the dance party tonight. i don't feel like dancing. and while the idea of a costume is fun, i'm also feeling vulnerable and don't want to look silly. if only esteem and confidence were as easy as telling myself that inner validation is enough.

i should probably just let go of that debate, put the animals up, and make a rockin costume and trust the doing to shift my mood.

here we go.