seeking grace

journal excerpt:

acorners are here for sorghum harvest, and mardock will leave with them. it feels similar to this time last year, though i hope to god i'll have less heartache this time. i don't want to be alone here. i mean, whatever, it's fine for me to be alone - but i don't want to be left. there may be more than just mardock and rejoice coming back in spring, but that still leaves me here while the people i love go somewhere else. and when they come back it'll be like it has been the last few nights, and worse - my needs adrift among others' and so much complexity of feeling that i can barely enjoy myself. my emotions have been shut off again ever since he told me he was for sure leaving for the winter. i shut off my magic, too. i'm not feeling any pain around any of this, just anxiety and awkwardness. i don't know how to let him go gracefully. i find myself seeking grace often these days.